The End

So recently, or at least over the 24 months, I have taken up reading for pleasure. I am not sure why I stopped reading in the first place but I can certainly pinpoint it to October 2005. The month that all things changed. However, I have found the time to begin reading again; and it has become somewhat of an obsession.
I loved the Stephanie Meyer books, and that led to a love of Charlaine Harris. She is the author of the Sookie Stackhouse series and a number of other books, all with characters that I have come to love. I love Sookie so much; I named my kitten Sookie. I have read at least 20 of Mrs. Harris' books. She is a fantastic author, but my love of reading seeps into other authors as well.
Reading for pleasure is fun and I devour books in days rather than weeks. I have found that I am willing to give any book a fair read, but I have some weird habits that I will share with everyone, in the hopes that my habits are shared and not nearly as weird as I think they are.
1. I don't borrow books from the library. Why? I do not know. I worry that the two children in my house may destroy them. I worry that I may not read them fast enough in order to avoid fines. I also LOVE the smell of a new book. The way that the cover looks and how the pages feel are like drugs to me. Also the feeling of ownership that I feel. I love the feeling of ownership. I now own the story, the words, the characters. Weird huh? I know this is odd but very true. I read the books so fast, my habit can be rather expensive. Getting them from the library would alleviate this cost, other than the possibility that my kids could get ahold of it or I could return it late.... oh, it's useless. I really just like new books.
2. I will stay up to finish a book. I will ignore chores in order to read a book. I will read it so fast, as if the story may change or disappear if I don't read it right that minute. If I am reading a series, I will collect them in order to be sure that I have the next book the second that I finish the previous book. I am addicted.
3. I must read every book in a series, and in order. I will not read a book if I don't start at the beginning of the series. I also do not like it if I cannot finish a series, I want to know the character from start to finish. I ordered the new Sookie book 3 months before its release date. This was to ensure that I got to read it as soon as possible.
4. I HATE the end of the book. I start to get sad when I am in the last chapters. I want to read and read quickly, but sometimes I slow down during the last part of the book in order to make it last a few more minutes. I actually dislike finishing the book and especially dislike it when there isn't another book to read in the series. For example: I waited months to get my new Sookie book. I read it in two days. I can not believe that I read it so fast because it will most likely be months or even a year until there is a new one. This is all very frustrating. I mourn the end of the series; whenever that may be. But I know it will happen, so I am going to worry about it now. I know, I am a weirdo.
Call it an obsession, or an addiction, but at least its a reasonable one. I also think it may be genetic because my maternal grandmother and my mother are both avid readers. I am not sure if they share my weirdness, but I definitely share their love of books. I can honestly say that I have 500+ books in my home at the moment. I have 6 book shelves and two rubbermaid totes filled with books. Children's books, teen books, classics and Colin's science fiction and my mysteries. Books are awesome and the ability to write an interesting story from start to finish is a gift that I wish that I had. For now, I will simply share in the stories that authors chose to share!

Life, unmanaged.

My life is unmanaged at the moment. The first clue would be that I just posted this blog without having written a thing. This would be because I am trying to multi-task and pull up my daughter's jeans, drink a cup of coffee, read my newest "Sookie" book, outline my chapters for class, and blog at the same time. I find myself willing to add to that list, just to keep busy. I find myself questioning that logic, I have four full-time jobs as it is!! My life is busy, but I enjoy being busy and having a full schedule. I am starting to wonder why I add more and more to my list; because it feels like I do less and less well.
First and foremost my full time is the Kids. I work for Joey and Chloe enterprises! I love this job, although it is the most overwhelming job that I have. I wonder on a daily basis if I am doing a good enough job. You know, I really don't recall an interview process or a training period. I am not always sure that I would have made it to a third round interview, let alone a full time position as "parent." The kids are fantastic. Joe was reading a Little Critters book out loud yesterday and Chloe makes up her own songs. I can not really point out what I had to do with that other than encouraging them to be very independent. Colin works with Joe on the reading thing, but truly I don't believe I had anything to do with it. I am very proud of my children, I do all that I can for them. I stayed home for five years, and although many mothers say they would love to be able to do that; five years was enough for me! Not that I don't cherish those years at home with my babies, I gave them every little bit of myself. Going back to work gave me back part of myself.
My second full time job is my Hubby. We have been together for 14 years. But the real work began in 2001 when we got married. Marriages are work, and I have been seriously neglecting my work. On a daily basis I need to remember how lucky I am to have him in my life. He is a good husband in many respects. He loves me, he loves the children. He is devoted to taking care of us and making sure that all is well in our lives. He cooks, cleans, and goes the distance when I fall short. I am truly blessed. I really think I may need re-trained on the marriage thing, because I feel like I resist more than I comply. Marriage is all about give and take, I have been taking more than my fair share.
My third full time job is school. This I actually may be doing well enough at. So far I have all A's and a singular B. Which is a good thing, considering that I did not do very well in my other attempts to go to college. I am a marketing major. I enjoy the subject matter, but few others in my world enjoy it as much as I do! It's all right, I still enjoy it!! I don't spend the time on school that I should. I should be outlining my chapters as I write this, preparing for class tonight. As it stands, I'll get it done but at the last minute. This is my how I roll! I like being rushed I guess!
My fourth job is fantastic, but the least understood. I love my career-in-progress. Of course, not as much as my job as a parent!! But I work as a brand representative for a marketing company out of Akron. I really enjoy the position. It challenges me and it rewards me. I work hard, but it is a really fun job. I have a good boss who is more than willing to work with me and my home and school schedule. I believe in the brands that I am representing and it makes it really enjoyable to promote them. At some point, I will have the opportunity to open my own marketing company. I am working very hard to achieve that. However, I am finding the journey more difficult than I had originally anticipated.
First of all, the lack of support is getting to me. My husband is awesome, don't get me wrong. But he really dislikes my job. My family and friends are always questioning it. I feel like I am constantly validating my career to everyone. What I do is hard enough without the constant questioning. I wish that the path to ownership was carved out faster, that way I could show them all my accomplishments. Personally, I really feel like I have accomplished a lot already but its not something I can physically show outsiders. I was hoping that a trip to the Bahamas was in my future, but I am not quite ready for that reward. I still have a lot of development ahead of me.
This is the most difficult (paying) job that I have ever had. I worked very hard and have not had tangible things to show for it, as of yet. I have faith that these rewards are in my future, I just wish they were on a time line. That way I could say: "I will own my own business on such and such date." Things do not always work out that way!! For now I will have to deal with the questions.
My life is not out of control and I can definitely manage it. I just have to buckle down and get on it. Life is full of challenges, especially mine at the moment. But my life is equally full of love, laughter, and accomplishment. For now, I will keep the faith!!!

When did I get so old?

I am a ripe old age of 29? That doesn't even sound right. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that 29 was old. I mean its older than 21 or 28 but OLD wasn't supposed to come to me until I was 30. ( Just a little to joke to all of my 30+ year old friends. =)) I just never believed that I would be the oldest person in the room. I know that I can't always be in my 20's and I have come to terms with that. I know it sounds petty; but I just wanted to retain the number in order to keep my youth. But I have come to realize that it has nothing to do with numbers but a youthful spirit.
Having come to terms with my numbers climbing, I started to notice the true differences in my attitude verses those who are just a few years my junior. For example, I am the oldest person at my job. I think I only got to the third interview because of my youthful spirit because I really am at least 3 years older than everyone else. I didn't think it was such a big deal because 3 years is nothing. I have come to realize that those three years are more like 10 for me. I won't go into details, but truly three years makes a difference.
I am not saying anything bad about them, it is just that their motivations and attitudes are so different than mine.
Following are the reasons I believe that I am so much older at the ripe age of 29.
1. I love to work. I think that working hard and working well are reasons to feel proud of myself. I am not sure that this mentality is always shared amongst those in their early 20's. I remember working simply to make money. I also recall doing the bare minimum simply to avoid getting into trouble. I loved to have the cash to buy new clothes, cigarettes, and go out partying. Now I think more about breaking even with childcare, and building my resume through hard work and determination.
2. I like to follow the rules. In the past few years, I began to realize that often rules are there for a reason. Following the rules not only can keep you out of trouble, but it can make you successful. Making sure that I am on time, in uniform, and that I am prepared are all very important to me. Is this a sign of maturity? I think, but I also that that when those in their early 20's don't do those things, it isn't in-maturity. It is more likely forgetfulness or simply a plan to undermine authority.
3.I make sure that I am well rested. I have noticed that those in their 20's or even their 30's stay up too late. I don't judge, I just don't know how they do it. My hubby is really bad about this, he won't go to bed until midnight and then get up at 7 ish. Then he's tired. Why not go to bed? I get tired, I go to bed. Now occasionally I do stay up, but if I have somewhere to be the next morning; I stay up with the full knowledge that I am going to be exhausted the next day. But why stay up just to watch TV, goof around on the Internet, or play video games? I guess to me the cons far outweigh the pros of that scenario.
4.I am married. I really think this ages a person. I didn't realize how unusual it is to be married in my 20's until I got out into the real world. I wouldn't have noticed before, because 99% of my friends are married. Soon to be 100% in the summer because Becky found her Ryan. So in the organization that I work, I am the only one married. It seems weird only because I have been married for 8 years already. Maybe I am weird. I was lucky to find my soul mate at 15 and needed to marry only because I wanted to. This kind of commitment is a huge burst in maturity and therefore age. I have promised, at the ripe old age of 29, to continue to be committed to my husband for the REST of my life, and I am glad to do it. I think that the commitment does age you but so does having concern about another person. So much so that you have to defer to them sometimes, consider them in your decision making, and make sure that you are there for them both physically and emotionally. All things that I would have lacked in my 20's had I not been married.
5. Kids. Need I say more. I feel 10 years older every day. I may already be over 100.

I love the people I work with. Being in this organization will keep me young spirited. I just never realized that I would be the old one, I had it in my head that I would always be the youngest in any given group. For now, I will have to deal with just being eternally and infinitely younger than my nearly 31 year old husband. =) Love ya babe!

Guide to Spending All the Money

Ok. So recently I have decided, although unconsciously, to spend all of our hard earned money. Really, I wanted to rebuild our savings account as it was drained over a year ago in order to purchase my van and to put a down payment on my hubby's new vehicle. But since then it seems as though my goal is to spend money instead of saving it. Therefore, in order to hopefully break this terrible habit, I have decided to write a guide to spending all of the money that your hubby earns.

1. Go on a Disney Vacation during a recession. Although I planned the vacation in advance, I didn't not plan for a severe down turn in the economy. I did not plan for milk to cost $3.00 a gallon and gas to cost $4. I really should have foreseen this when I booked the airline tickets nearly 7 months before we went on our trip. Because of the rise in cost for the most basic of necessities, our savings account did not get replenished, it just got beaten down.

2. Buying fresh fruit, vegetables, soy milk and diapers. Unfortunately, I cannot live without diapers or the soy milk for Miss Chloe. Fresh fruits and vegetables somehow we can live without. It really stinks when purchasing these items can double your grocery bill to nearly double. This inflated grocery bill, once again put savings on hold.

3. Loose a bunch of weight. Yeah, you would think that weight loss would be a blessing. However, loosing weigh costs a lot of money as well. Not only is there the gym membership and healthier food, but you need new clothing. The possibility of saving shrank with both my hubby's and mine waistline. Did you realize that your feet can actually get smaller? I needed new shoes!

4. Give birth to Amazonian Children. My kids are tall and thin. (I have no idea really where this came from.) They are growing extremely fast, and therefore, are constantly in need of clothing and shoes. How is it fair that there is only a little lambs sale twice a year? I need clothes for them constantly! With their growth spurts also came spurts of spending money.

5. Go back to school. Now this is a given. School is expensive, however, there is no need for it to cost hundreds of dollars for a book or even thousands for a credit hour. I needed to go to Walsh. Why? Because they had an accelerated program that I thought might be better given my crazy schedule. Between books, supplies, and a laptop- savings had to take a hit.

6. Allow your children to go to preschool. I am not kidding. Is there a reason that public preschool is so far and in between? I pay a lot of money for my son to attend preschool. Chloe is very nearly potty-trained and my bill will go up by 40%. However, there is no foreseeable end to tuition for tots, our kindergarten charges $200 or more a month for your child to attend full-time. With our taxes, I am surprised at this. However, another way to spend money.....EDUCATION.

7. Get a job. Yea. This should be the opposite of spending money, earning it. However, for a housewife to get a job is a totally different matter. I had to buy clothing, get my haircut (really not optional, it had been 6 months.), get shoes, and any number of other necessities that normal people have. I couldn't take a traditional, 9 to 5 job with regular pay. No way, that may actually cause us to rebuild our savings. I took a job that pays somewhat based on commission with a fail safe pay, but really it's not much. It also calls for travel. So there goes gas money and there goes the point in getting a job.

8. Get into car accidents in your own driveway! Oh, yes, I did. I ran right into a truck in my own driveway. I took out the side view mirror on my 2006 Hyundai. Of course it had to be the nice car. Of course it had to be a truck belonging to a friend. I had to file a claim to be sure that our insurance would take care of our friends costs. I am not pleased with myself. However, there will now be even less in our savings account and a bigger insurance bill next year.

9. Have your appliances break. I know everyone is sick of hearing about my dishwasher. But I am spoiled and I NEED my dishwasher. There goes more money, right down the dishwasher drain. BTW my fridge is making a lot of noise and the lining of my microwave is chipping away! I can't wait for those to break!!!!

10. Get Cats. They are really expensive animals, I didn't realize. So much for avoiding $100+ vet bills.

11. Run the heat, turn on lights, wash anything. Wow utilities went up this year. I am truly considering thermal underwear, candles and a rock to beat our clothing on. I just had a 200+ electric bill. I have no idea why, all I know is that it was a lot of money.

12. Not knowing a plumber. We have a small leak that will end up costing us large amounts of money. I wish I knew a plumber, it really is just a small repair in a tight spot.

Well hopefully, savings will get better. However, I have a feeling that most of these money leeches will be around to stay. I am not bitching, I am just pointing out the best ways to spend all the money without wanting to. I am sure that everyone has their own money leeches and they are free to make a list too. This way, all the world can know how best to unconsciously spend.

Thank You.

I love this time of year. Funny enough it doesn't have anything to do with the food. I love this time of year because I this is when I get to see all of my friends and family. I am going to my mother's this year for dinner and I couldn't be happier. You see, we go early and hang out. We play rummy until someone cries, Yahtzee until someone quits in frustration, and then trouble to appease the kids, that is until someone gets bored. The "someone" changes, but as the queen of rummy, I can tell you that it is NOT me.

This year I wanted to name a few things that I am thankful for. I use the term "few" loosely, but in order to reign myself in I will say 7 things.

1. This guy. I know that I say that I want to throttle him on a daily basis, but it is how I show my love. If I didn't love him I would dismiss the stuff that he does to piss me off as typical male behavior. Because I love him, my expectations of not being pissed off are higher. The things I love most are 1. He makes me laugh; even though some of it is just silly, I still laugh. 2. He accepts me, flaws and all. And I accept his flaws, I just complain about them more. 3. He gave me 2 wonderful children and works very hard to afford us a comfortable lifestyle (meaning there are not worries about food being on the table, not meaning that we drive around in BMWs like the 17 year old teenagers that live down the street from us.)4. He is my better half. Now I don't generally believe in that crap but; in this case IT IS TRUE. You see, I lack the ability to shut up. He, however, is much quieter and generally reserved. I am quick tempered and loud, and he tends to be more patient. I stress and stress and stress and he quickly (and while walking on eggshells) points out that my stress is needless (and generally self-inflicted). He is a wonderful father, a great hubby and my best friend.

2. My reality checks. These two are the best children that a mother could hope for. They remind me on a daily basis that time is valuable and fleeting. My son, although difficult at times, is loving, sweet, and brilliant. My daughter, who is LOUD and very challenging at times, is giggly, girly and very opinionated for a 2 year old. Together, they are a force to be reckoned with. But I wouldn't change a thing.

3. My bestie. I don't think that I would have survived that last 4 years without her. You see, one of my sisters is 11 years younger than me and lives in Florida. My other sister is 13 years younger than me and we are just now starting to be on the same page. However, God saw fit to grant me a third sister, Sara. She is the only person that I could spend 12 hours with and never run out of shit to say, and on the off chance that we do run out of stuff to say, we are totally ok with silence. I think that is unusual among friends, however we have been friends for nearly 25 years. I love this girl, and here is why: 1. She has absolutely no problem telling me that I am a tool. Seriously, sometimes its nice to be called out. 2. We both have similar interests. Scrapbooking, crafty stuff, hating on people that are idiots. It nice to have things in common. 3. We've been through it all. Not just school but boyfriends, jobs, marriages, kids, and even big moves. (Her hubby broke my heart and moved her an hour away last year. =( Of course, it was necessary but still heartbreaking.) There have been bad times, but in reality, most of them were good. Thank you Sara for being the ying to my yang. (By the way she reads this blog and I am sure will call me later to let me know that I am a tool for saying that last bit.)

4. Breitenbach wine. I know you think that I am getting silly, but I do love my wine. It was always hit and miss with wine for me; until I discovered Breitenbach fruit wines. I love Breitenbach and all of Amish country because that is were the winery is. I also heart Giant Eagle because they carry a large selection of these wines for my convenience and drinking pleasure. There is nothing better to me in this world than sitting outside either with my hubby, or on my bestie's stoop, on a cool summer night, drinking a bottle of Breitenbach. Keep up the good work, your wine rocks.

5. Contraception- surgical or otherwise. I do not want any more children- ever. I am not a very nice pregnant person, and I certainly do not have the patience to do the "new baby" thing again. I have a feeling I will even be one of those grandmothers that shys away from her grandchildren. It may have something to do with post traumatic stress because my son cried for the 3 and half months, continuously, and my daughter was born with the attitude of a teenager with the inability to communicate her feelings in any way other than to scream until you want to shoot yourself simply because you are unsure

if you CAN run far enough away NOT to hear her. Yes that was a long sentence, but the feeling that your ears may bleed can't be described in any other way. (She speaks now, but frequently reverts to her old ways to make a point.) I am also thankful for contraception because without it, there would be many, many more stupid people in this world, and I just don't have the time to complain about all of them.

6. Quiet time/nap time. Sometimes life can be stressful, especially when you are the stay at home mother of two children under 5. I spend my day getting juice, making snacks or meals, cleaning, reading to my children, playing the pick up everything at least 15 times game, and the repeat myself until I start screaming game. My favorite time of the day, which is not a reoccurring time, better put, my favorite time of the week, it quiet time. Anyone out there with two children close in age knows what I mean, if you actually succeed in getting both children down for a nap or quiet time, your reward is at least an hour of quiet time. Some choose to nap, some choose to watch tv, some crazy ass people choose to clean, I choose to read or goof around on the internet. It seems whenever the kids are awake, I am at their beck and call. However, during quiet time, the only thing I am concerned with is quiet. So thank you to whoever invented that elusive time of the week, quiet time, for it is a mother's reward for all her hard work. (And then they (the kids) wake up and completely ruin your zen. But I still love you quiet time.)

7. This blog was brought to you today by the letters c-o-f-f-e-e, and by the number 2 pots. Oh, yes, I would never forget coffee. I believe that I am not made up of 70% water. I think that it's more like 20% and the other 50% is made up of coffee. I can not function without coffee, and that's all I have to say about that. So I say thank you to the genius who picked a bean off of a plant and said "I am going to make the most addictive product ever. " Whomever it was, I think THEY deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I'm Lost. I've gone to find myself. If I should arrive before I get back; have me wait.

525,600. That is how long it has been since I have eaten a doughnut. I love doughnuts. But the problem is that I love them more than myself. That was my issue all along; I was self destructing in the name of FOOD. When I woke up in the morning, my plan of self annihilation would begin. I would begin to plan my daily fix. Some days I was not successful; and other days I was not only successful, but I made up for other days. My daily fix was food. Not just your three square meals a day so that you can live, fix; but my eat-until-you-pass-out-in-a-food-coma fix. Many people do not know this about me. I am a compulsive over eater; and I am proud to say that I have been in a sort of recovery for a year.

How did I get here? Well that will have to come later. The question I would like to answer to myself is why I needed to get here. What caused me to need recovery?

It is a common thought that fat people are lazy and the reason that they are fat is because of laziness and poor eating habits. I would say that this is relatively untrue. I am sure that the stereotype is not true for any fat person. Personally, I was not lazy. I did have poor eating habits as in my habit was eating. However, I didn't always gorge myself on Doritos and oreos. (Although those were among my favorites.) Being heavy is a vicious cycle or at least it was for me. I would eat because I was heavy and I wanted an escape. I was heavy because I ate. I know this is a bit of a cliche; but it really is true.

My obsession with food started when I was little. I like to think of my obsession as a monster living inside of me. So when referring to my "monster," get your mind out of the gutter and realize that I am talking about my obsession with food. My monster liked to eat. I am not talking the occasional piece of candy, but the whole 1lb bag of candy. As I got older, I didn't just like to eat, I was always going for the "full." Which in my world meant, eat a little more. Of course, my eating led to overweight. The overweight didn't catch up with me until middle school, but even then; I could pass for normal.

I had one other moment of what I thought was recovery. The summer between middle school and high school I had three paper routes and I dieted. I lost a ton of weight and felt great. At this point my monster was under control. And was as long as I felt good about myself. Eventually I slipped back into old habits, however my monster grew.

My sophomore year in high school began my slow descent into morbid obesity. I ate and ate and got a compulsive over eaters dream job, I worked at Ponderosa. I ate and ate and ate some more. I eventually graduated into the real work, and the ability to eat to my heart's content. Mix in some emotional turmoil and disappointments and you have a recipe for someone weighing nearly 300 lbs.

I loved being pregnant with my son, it was an eating free for all. Most of the time what I ate didn't make sense, but pickles and ice cream were a staple of mine. I am surprised that Joe didn't come out a frosted animal cracker; I know he is at least 50% animal cracker considering how many bags of those I ate while pregnant. 35 LBS Later.... I gave birth to a ten pound son. Of course, to keep up my energy, I really needed to eat whole bags of cookies, you know, to recover from my c-section.

I got a little smarter with my daughter and I didn't eat nearly as much, however, I was on bed rest and completely aware of my problem with binge eating. I only gained 18 with her, she weighed 10 pounds as well. I actually weighed less after giving birth!!!! That was cause to eat an entire pizza by myself! ( I am not sure what I had, but I am sure it was more than necessary.)

I'm am not excusing myself from responsibility. I knew what I was doing was not only unhealthy for me, but for my children. Being at home gave me plenty of time to eat and not remain active. I lost any love I had for myself one year ago this past August. I went shopping with two of my best friends. We went to an outlet mall and I became painfully aware of the fact that there were very, very few stores for me to shop in. You see, I didn't see myself as fat. I didn't connect my body with the image in my head of how I looked. I wanted to cry the entire time that I was there, and worse, I fumbled through Ann Taylor; realizing that the two racks of costume jewelry were the only thing in the store that would fit me.

There was a time in my life when this didn't bother me. I was confident enough not to mind shopping at just those select stores. But I took a life survey, I wasn't just heavy, I was unhappy. I didn't like myself, I didn't like who I was. I was getting older, my body was weak and overweight, my ambition was gone, and I had gotten two a place where I was very unhappy. The next time I overate, I stopped and took inventory and began to realize that I was trapped in that cliche of a cycle. I ate because I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because I was heavy and out of shape. Something had to give.

November 1, 2008. I changed. I decided that right then, at that moment I would not overeat anymore. I made a list of foods I would never, ever eat again. An thus far, I have stuck to it. Don't get me wrong; it was not easy. I am a weak person. I have no will power. I simply had to say that these foods were simply off my radar. I began to eat more for sustenance than for pleasure and I began to exercise.

Now don't laugh at me, I actually enjoy exercise. I get up at 4:30 in the morning and I go to the gym. I have, in my lifetime, had at least 4 gym memberships. It was like a collection. One that you pay a lot of money for, put on a shelf, and keep in mint condition by NEVER, EVER using it. I have also had more than my fair share of exercise equipment. I used them more to collect dust and use as a free standing closet than to exercise on. I have also been on every diet ever created. But I am the type of person that expects immediate results. If I do one sit up; by all rights I should have lost at least five pounds. If I eat a carrot instead of an entire cheesecake, that should cause me to lose at least 10 pounds. But for whatever reason my body would not let go of the weight. So I gave up, time after time. What could I do, my body wanted to be heavy.

Then I discovered exercise. I really enjoyed it. I am not sure if it was the exercise, the hard work and sense of accomplishment, or it was simply the time away from my demanding life. But I am an addict. I can't stay away more than two days before my body craves going to the gym. Like I said, don't laugh at me.

Something amazing began to happen. I was HAPPY. I was full of energy, I was full of life, I felt like I was a teenager again!! I really began to see how lost I had really been. The difference in my head was amazing. I was finding myself again. I began to take interest in things I hadn't thought about in years. I enrolled in school and I began living again.

The gravy is that I lost. I lost most of the weight. Over 100 lbs are lost, and those I hope never to find again. I have said from the beginning that the weight loss was a benefit to feeling this good about myself and my life.

NO REGRETS. I could wine and say, I am so mad that I stayed in a rut for 10 years. I damaged and wrecked the body that God gave me. I gave up the opportunity to gain my education when I was young. I robbed my children and my husband of my complete self. But I don't really regret anything. Everything that happens; happens for a reason. If I had not been so sad, I couldn't really understand how lucky I am to be this happy now. I would be taking my life and my health for granted.

I fight my monster every day. This journey isn't an easy one and it really has no end in sight. If I weighed 50 pounds I would still have an eating problem. I will never be able to have a piece of pie or a doughnut, but none of those things taste as good as I feel. People often ask me what my goal is, or what I did to lose the weight. To that I say, my goal is to be happy and I lost the weight simply by not eating everything in the world and exercising. (and trust me, if I were superman I wouldn't have been able to turn back time, because I wouldn't have been able to keep myself from eating the planet.)

I am living proof that even if you don't eat cake on your birthday, you will still wake up the next day very much alive.

Shouldn't brushing your hair be justified?

Being a sahm is a blast, at least sometimes it is. Some days it feels like staying home may be a fate worse than death. I mean, without kids I really took things for granted, like sleep. I took a shower whenever I wanted, I never forgot to put on deodorant, I always was wearing matching socks and yes, even matching shoes. I never, ever went somewhere with my shirt inside out nor did I excuse a stain as "not that bad." I always ate my own dinner and never considered sharing it with anyone, it was always hot and very rarely did it come from a blue box labeled "Kraft." My clothes were somewhat fashionable, I didn't second guess buying myself a coat, and I went to bed whenever I pleased, never considering going to bed at 7:30pm. Come one who, without children, goes to bed that early unless it is work related? I wouldn't go to bed until 1 or 2 in the morning. I even took brushing my hair for granted.....
There are evenings that I look in the mirror before bed and I realize that I didn't bother to brush my hair that day. I simply fell out of bed and pulled it back, never taking the time to organize it, tame it, whatever you might say. But the truth is; there are many days that the thought never crosses my mind. Like with so many other things about personal care, brushing my hair has simply become a luxury. I'm not sure how I came to this point, but I seriously need to rectify the situation.
Last week, I went to my management class after working on my assignments all day, doing some housework, and shuffling the kids in every direction. Our instructor, who also happens to be the advisor for the Walsh SPS program let us know that the marketing department and a photographer would be photographing us for some new Walsh brochures. I didn't give it much thought as I don't stress as much about my photo being taken as much as I used to. Later, before bed, I actually looked at myself. My hair was unbrushed. It looked awful, and not in the "I did this on purpose" way. I looked like a bum, I can't believe that I allowed myself out of the house like that. I am sure that Walsh won't use the photos that I am included in, worse yet they may. Maybe they will caption any photo with me as saying " look, at Walsh we accept bums too!!!" How proud I should be to represent all the bums. (I am attempting not to use Hoopie in place of "bum" as not everyone knows what a hoopie is. So if you are from A-town, you can understand better- I looked like a HOOPIE.)
Hard to believe that I went from tanning, having my hair done on a regular basis, wearing nice clean clothes, and even having my nails done weekly to a woman who more closely resembles a mangled beast that people try desperately to get on video and sell to the tabloids.
Brushing my hair should have to be justified in order to make it onto my "must do everyday" list. If I don't watch myself, my new bragging rights may just be how many hits my photo got at peopleofwalmart.com.