525,600. That is how long it has been since I have eaten a doughnut. I love doughnuts. But the problem is that I love them more than myself. That was my issue all along; I was self destructing in the name of FOOD. When I woke up in the morning, my plan of self annihilation would begin. I would begin to plan my daily fix. Some days I was not successful; and other days I was not only successful, but I made up for other days. My daily fix was food. Not just your three square meals a day so that you can live, fix; but my eat-until-you-pass-out-in-a-food-coma fix. Many people do not know this about me. I am a compulsive over eater; and I am proud to say that I have been in a sort of recovery for a year.
How did I get here? Well that will have to come later. The question I would like to answer to myself is why I needed to get here. What caused me to need recovery?
It is a common thought that fat people are lazy and the reason that they are fat is because of laziness and poor eating habits. I would say that this is relatively untrue. I am sure that the stereotype is not true for any fat person. Personally, I was not lazy. I did have poor eating habits as in my habit was eating. However, I didn't always gorge myself on Doritos and oreos. (Although those were among my favorites.) Being heavy is a vicious cycle or at least it was for me. I would eat because I was heavy and I wanted an escape. I was heavy because I ate. I know this is a bit of a cliche; but it really is true.
My obsession with food started when I was little. I like to think of my obsession as a monster living inside of me. So when referring to my "monster," get your mind out of the gutter and realize that I am talking about my obsession with food. My monster liked to eat. I am not talking the occasional piece of candy, but the whole 1lb bag of candy. As I got older, I didn't just like to eat, I was always going for the "full." Which in my world meant, eat a little more. Of course, my eating led to overweight. The overweight didn't catch up with me until middle school, but even then; I could pass for normal.
I had one other moment of what I thought was recovery. The summer between middle school and high school I had three paper routes and I dieted. I lost a ton of weight and felt great. At this point my monster was under control. And was as long as I felt good about myself. Eventually I slipped back into old habits, however my monster grew.
My sophomore year in high school began my slow descent into morbid obesity. I ate and ate and got a compulsive over eaters dream job, I worked at Ponderosa. I ate and ate and ate some more. I eventually graduated into the real work, and the ability to eat to my heart's content. Mix in some emotional turmoil and disappointments and you have a recipe for someone weighing nearly 300 lbs.
I loved being pregnant with my son, it was an eating free for all. Most of the time what I ate didn't make sense, but pickles and ice cream were a staple of mine. I am surprised that Joe didn't come out a frosted animal cracker; I know he is at least 50% animal cracker considering how many bags of those I ate while pregnant. 35 LBS Later.... I gave birth to a ten pound son. Of course, to keep up my energy, I really needed to eat whole bags of cookies, you know, to recover from my c-section.
I got a little smarter with my daughter and I didn't eat nearly as much, however, I was on bed rest and completely aware of my problem with binge eating. I only gained 18 with her, she weighed 10 pounds as well. I actually weighed less after giving birth!!!! That was cause to eat an entire pizza by myself! ( I am not sure what I had, but I am sure it was more than necessary.)
I'm am not excusing myself from responsibility. I knew what I was doing was not only unhealthy for me, but for my children. Being at home gave me plenty of time to eat and not remain active. I lost any love I had for myself one year ago this past August. I went shopping with two of my best friends. We went to an outlet mall and I became painfully aware of the fact that there were very, very few stores for me to shop in. You see, I didn't see myself as fat. I didn't connect my body with the image in my head of how I looked. I wanted to cry the entire time that I was there, and worse, I fumbled through Ann Taylor; realizing that the two racks of costume jewelry were the only thing in the store that would fit me.
There was a time in my life when this didn't bother me. I was confident enough not to mind shopping at just those select stores. But I took a life survey, I wasn't just heavy, I was unhappy. I didn't like myself, I didn't like who I was. I was getting older, my body was weak and overweight, my ambition was gone, and I had gotten two a place where I was very unhappy. The next time I overate, I stopped and took inventory and began to realize that I was trapped in that cliche of a cycle. I ate because I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because I was heavy and out of shape. Something had to give.
November 1, 2008. I changed. I decided that right then, at that moment I would not overeat anymore. I made a list of foods I would never, ever eat again. An thus far, I have stuck to it. Don't get me wrong; it was not easy. I am a weak person. I have no will power. I simply had to say that these foods were simply off my radar. I began to eat more for sustenance than for pleasure and I began to exercise.
Now don't laugh at me, I actually enjoy exercise. I get up at 4:30 in the morning and I go to the gym. I have, in my lifetime, had at least 4 gym memberships. It was like a collection. One that you pay a lot of money for, put on a shelf, and keep in mint condition by NEVER, EVER using it. I have also had more than my fair share of exercise equipment. I used them more to collect dust and use as a free standing closet than to exercise on. I have also been on every diet ever created. But I am the type of person that expects immediate results. If I do one sit up; by all rights I should have lost at least five pounds. If I eat a carrot instead of an entire cheesecake, that should cause me to lose at least 10 pounds. But for whatever reason my body would not let go of the weight. So I gave up, time after time. What could I do, my body wanted to be heavy.
Then I discovered exercise. I really enjoyed it. I am not sure if it was the exercise, the hard work and sense of accomplishment, or it was simply the time away from my demanding life. But I am an addict. I can't stay away more than two days before my body craves going to the gym. Like I said, don't laugh at me.
Something amazing began to happen. I was HAPPY. I was full of energy, I was full of life, I felt like I was a teenager again!! I really began to see how lost I had really been. The difference in my head was amazing. I was finding myself again. I began to take interest in things I hadn't thought about in years. I enrolled in school and I began living again.
The gravy is that I lost. I lost most of the weight. Over 100 lbs are lost, and those I hope never to find again. I have said from the beginning that the weight loss was a benefit to feeling this good about myself and my life.
NO REGRETS. I could wine and say, I am so mad that I stayed in a rut for 10 years. I damaged and wrecked the body that God gave me. I gave up the opportunity to gain my education when I was young. I robbed my children and my husband of my complete self. But I don't really regret anything. Everything that happens; happens for a reason. If I had not been so sad, I couldn't really understand how lucky I am to be this happy now. I would be taking my life and my health for granted.
I fight my monster every day. This journey isn't an easy one and it really has no end in sight. If I weighed 50 pounds I would still have an eating problem. I will never be able to have a piece of pie or a doughnut, but none of those things taste as good as I feel. People often ask me what my goal is, or what I did to lose the weight. To that I say, my goal is to be happy and I lost the weight simply by not eating everything in the world and exercising. (and trust me, if I were superman I wouldn't have been able to turn back time, because I wouldn't have been able to keep myself from eating the planet.)
I am living proof that even if you don't eat cake on your birthday, you will still wake up the next day very much alive.
There was a time in my life when this didn't bother me. I was confident enough not to mind shopping at just those select stores. But I took a life survey, I wasn't just heavy, I was unhappy. I didn't like myself, I didn't like who I was. I was getting older, my body was weak and overweight, my ambition was gone, and I had gotten two a place where I was very unhappy. The next time I overate, I stopped and took inventory and began to realize that I was trapped in that cliche of a cycle. I ate because I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because I was heavy and out of shape. Something had to give.
November 1, 2008. I changed. I decided that right then, at that moment I would not overeat anymore. I made a list of foods I would never, ever eat again. An thus far, I have stuck to it. Don't get me wrong; it was not easy. I am a weak person. I have no will power. I simply had to say that these foods were simply off my radar. I began to eat more for sustenance than for pleasure and I began to exercise.
Now don't laugh at me, I actually enjoy exercise. I get up at 4:30 in the morning and I go to the gym. I have, in my lifetime, had at least 4 gym memberships. It was like a collection. One that you pay a lot of money for, put on a shelf, and keep in mint condition by NEVER, EVER using it. I have also had more than my fair share of exercise equipment. I used them more to collect dust and use as a free standing closet than to exercise on. I have also been on every diet ever created. But I am the type of person that expects immediate results. If I do one sit up; by all rights I should have lost at least five pounds. If I eat a carrot instead of an entire cheesecake, that should cause me to lose at least 10 pounds. But for whatever reason my body would not let go of the weight. So I gave up, time after time. What could I do, my body wanted to be heavy.
Then I discovered exercise. I really enjoyed it. I am not sure if it was the exercise, the hard work and sense of accomplishment, or it was simply the time away from my demanding life. But I am an addict. I can't stay away more than two days before my body craves going to the gym. Like I said, don't laugh at me.
Something amazing began to happen. I was HAPPY. I was full of energy, I was full of life, I felt like I was a teenager again!! I really began to see how lost I had really been. The difference in my head was amazing. I was finding myself again. I began to take interest in things I hadn't thought about in years. I enrolled in school and I began living again.
The gravy is that I lost. I lost most of the weight. Over 100 lbs are lost, and those I hope never to find again. I have said from the beginning that the weight loss was a benefit to feeling this good about myself and my life.
NO REGRETS. I could wine and say, I am so mad that I stayed in a rut for 10 years. I damaged and wrecked the body that God gave me. I gave up the opportunity to gain my education when I was young. I robbed my children and my husband of my complete self. But I don't really regret anything. Everything that happens; happens for a reason. If I had not been so sad, I couldn't really understand how lucky I am to be this happy now. I would be taking my life and my health for granted.
I fight my monster every day. This journey isn't an easy one and it really has no end in sight. If I weighed 50 pounds I would still have an eating problem. I will never be able to have a piece of pie or a doughnut, but none of those things taste as good as I feel. People often ask me what my goal is, or what I did to lose the weight. To that I say, my goal is to be happy and I lost the weight simply by not eating everything in the world and exercising. (and trust me, if I were superman I wouldn't have been able to turn back time, because I wouldn't have been able to keep myself from eating the planet.)
I am living proof that even if you don't eat cake on your birthday, you will still wake up the next day very much alive.
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