Thank You.

I love this time of year. Funny enough it doesn't have anything to do with the food. I love this time of year because I this is when I get to see all of my friends and family. I am going to my mother's this year for dinner and I couldn't be happier. You see, we go early and hang out. We play rummy until someone cries, Yahtzee until someone quits in frustration, and then trouble to appease the kids, that is until someone gets bored. The "someone" changes, but as the queen of rummy, I can tell you that it is NOT me.

This year I wanted to name a few things that I am thankful for. I use the term "few" loosely, but in order to reign myself in I will say 7 things.

1. This guy. I know that I say that I want to throttle him on a daily basis, but it is how I show my love. If I didn't love him I would dismiss the stuff that he does to piss me off as typical male behavior. Because I love him, my expectations of not being pissed off are higher. The things I love most are 1. He makes me laugh; even though some of it is just silly, I still laugh. 2. He accepts me, flaws and all. And I accept his flaws, I just complain about them more. 3. He gave me 2 wonderful children and works very hard to afford us a comfortable lifestyle (meaning there are not worries about food being on the table, not meaning that we drive around in BMWs like the 17 year old teenagers that live down the street from us.)4. He is my better half. Now I don't generally believe in that crap but; in this case IT IS TRUE. You see, I lack the ability to shut up. He, however, is much quieter and generally reserved. I am quick tempered and loud, and he tends to be more patient. I stress and stress and stress and he quickly (and while walking on eggshells) points out that my stress is needless (and generally self-inflicted). He is a wonderful father, a great hubby and my best friend.

2. My reality checks. These two are the best children that a mother could hope for. They remind me on a daily basis that time is valuable and fleeting. My son, although difficult at times, is loving, sweet, and brilliant. My daughter, who is LOUD and very challenging at times, is giggly, girly and very opinionated for a 2 year old. Together, they are a force to be reckoned with. But I wouldn't change a thing.

3. My bestie. I don't think that I would have survived that last 4 years without her. You see, one of my sisters is 11 years younger than me and lives in Florida. My other sister is 13 years younger than me and we are just now starting to be on the same page. However, God saw fit to grant me a third sister, Sara. She is the only person that I could spend 12 hours with and never run out of shit to say, and on the off chance that we do run out of stuff to say, we are totally ok with silence. I think that is unusual among friends, however we have been friends for nearly 25 years. I love this girl, and here is why: 1. She has absolutely no problem telling me that I am a tool. Seriously, sometimes its nice to be called out. 2. We both have similar interests. Scrapbooking, crafty stuff, hating on people that are idiots. It nice to have things in common. 3. We've been through it all. Not just school but boyfriends, jobs, marriages, kids, and even big moves. (Her hubby broke my heart and moved her an hour away last year. =( Of course, it was necessary but still heartbreaking.) There have been bad times, but in reality, most of them were good. Thank you Sara for being the ying to my yang. (By the way she reads this blog and I am sure will call me later to let me know that I am a tool for saying that last bit.)

4. Breitenbach wine. I know you think that I am getting silly, but I do love my wine. It was always hit and miss with wine for me; until I discovered Breitenbach fruit wines. I love Breitenbach and all of Amish country because that is were the winery is. I also heart Giant Eagle because they carry a large selection of these wines for my convenience and drinking pleasure. There is nothing better to me in this world than sitting outside either with my hubby, or on my bestie's stoop, on a cool summer night, drinking a bottle of Breitenbach. Keep up the good work, your wine rocks.

5. Contraception- surgical or otherwise. I do not want any more children- ever. I am not a very nice pregnant person, and I certainly do not have the patience to do the "new baby" thing again. I have a feeling I will even be one of those grandmothers that shys away from her grandchildren. It may have something to do with post traumatic stress because my son cried for the 3 and half months, continuously, and my daughter was born with the attitude of a teenager with the inability to communicate her feelings in any way other than to scream until you want to shoot yourself simply because you are unsure

if you CAN run far enough away NOT to hear her. Yes that was a long sentence, but the feeling that your ears may bleed can't be described in any other way. (She speaks now, but frequently reverts to her old ways to make a point.) I am also thankful for contraception because without it, there would be many, many more stupid people in this world, and I just don't have the time to complain about all of them.

6. Quiet time/nap time. Sometimes life can be stressful, especially when you are the stay at home mother of two children under 5. I spend my day getting juice, making snacks or meals, cleaning, reading to my children, playing the pick up everything at least 15 times game, and the repeat myself until I start screaming game. My favorite time of the day, which is not a reoccurring time, better put, my favorite time of the week, it quiet time. Anyone out there with two children close in age knows what I mean, if you actually succeed in getting both children down for a nap or quiet time, your reward is at least an hour of quiet time. Some choose to nap, some choose to watch tv, some crazy ass people choose to clean, I choose to read or goof around on the internet. It seems whenever the kids are awake, I am at their beck and call. However, during quiet time, the only thing I am concerned with is quiet. So thank you to whoever invented that elusive time of the week, quiet time, for it is a mother's reward for all her hard work. (And then they (the kids) wake up and completely ruin your zen. But I still love you quiet time.)

7. This blog was brought to you today by the letters c-o-f-f-e-e, and by the number 2 pots. Oh, yes, I would never forget coffee. I believe that I am not made up of 70% water. I think that it's more like 20% and the other 50% is made up of coffee. I can not function without coffee, and that's all I have to say about that. So I say thank you to the genius who picked a bean off of a plant and said "I am going to make the most addictive product ever. " Whomever it was, I think THEY deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I'm Lost. I've gone to find myself. If I should arrive before I get back; have me wait.

525,600. That is how long it has been since I have eaten a doughnut. I love doughnuts. But the problem is that I love them more than myself. That was my issue all along; I was self destructing in the name of FOOD. When I woke up in the morning, my plan of self annihilation would begin. I would begin to plan my daily fix. Some days I was not successful; and other days I was not only successful, but I made up for other days. My daily fix was food. Not just your three square meals a day so that you can live, fix; but my eat-until-you-pass-out-in-a-food-coma fix. Many people do not know this about me. I am a compulsive over eater; and I am proud to say that I have been in a sort of recovery for a year.

How did I get here? Well that will have to come later. The question I would like to answer to myself is why I needed to get here. What caused me to need recovery?

It is a common thought that fat people are lazy and the reason that they are fat is because of laziness and poor eating habits. I would say that this is relatively untrue. I am sure that the stereotype is not true for any fat person. Personally, I was not lazy. I did have poor eating habits as in my habit was eating. However, I didn't always gorge myself on Doritos and oreos. (Although those were among my favorites.) Being heavy is a vicious cycle or at least it was for me. I would eat because I was heavy and I wanted an escape. I was heavy because I ate. I know this is a bit of a cliche; but it really is true.

My obsession with food started when I was little. I like to think of my obsession as a monster living inside of me. So when referring to my "monster," get your mind out of the gutter and realize that I am talking about my obsession with food. My monster liked to eat. I am not talking the occasional piece of candy, but the whole 1lb bag of candy. As I got older, I didn't just like to eat, I was always going for the "full." Which in my world meant, eat a little more. Of course, my eating led to overweight. The overweight didn't catch up with me until middle school, but even then; I could pass for normal.

I had one other moment of what I thought was recovery. The summer between middle school and high school I had three paper routes and I dieted. I lost a ton of weight and felt great. At this point my monster was under control. And was as long as I felt good about myself. Eventually I slipped back into old habits, however my monster grew.

My sophomore year in high school began my slow descent into morbid obesity. I ate and ate and got a compulsive over eaters dream job, I worked at Ponderosa. I ate and ate and ate some more. I eventually graduated into the real work, and the ability to eat to my heart's content. Mix in some emotional turmoil and disappointments and you have a recipe for someone weighing nearly 300 lbs.

I loved being pregnant with my son, it was an eating free for all. Most of the time what I ate didn't make sense, but pickles and ice cream were a staple of mine. I am surprised that Joe didn't come out a frosted animal cracker; I know he is at least 50% animal cracker considering how many bags of those I ate while pregnant. 35 LBS Later.... I gave birth to a ten pound son. Of course, to keep up my energy, I really needed to eat whole bags of cookies, you know, to recover from my c-section.

I got a little smarter with my daughter and I didn't eat nearly as much, however, I was on bed rest and completely aware of my problem with binge eating. I only gained 18 with her, she weighed 10 pounds as well. I actually weighed less after giving birth!!!! That was cause to eat an entire pizza by myself! ( I am not sure what I had, but I am sure it was more than necessary.)

I'm am not excusing myself from responsibility. I knew what I was doing was not only unhealthy for me, but for my children. Being at home gave me plenty of time to eat and not remain active. I lost any love I had for myself one year ago this past August. I went shopping with two of my best friends. We went to an outlet mall and I became painfully aware of the fact that there were very, very few stores for me to shop in. You see, I didn't see myself as fat. I didn't connect my body with the image in my head of how I looked. I wanted to cry the entire time that I was there, and worse, I fumbled through Ann Taylor; realizing that the two racks of costume jewelry were the only thing in the store that would fit me.

There was a time in my life when this didn't bother me. I was confident enough not to mind shopping at just those select stores. But I took a life survey, I wasn't just heavy, I was unhappy. I didn't like myself, I didn't like who I was. I was getting older, my body was weak and overweight, my ambition was gone, and I had gotten two a place where I was very unhappy. The next time I overate, I stopped and took inventory and began to realize that I was trapped in that cliche of a cycle. I ate because I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because I was heavy and out of shape. Something had to give.

November 1, 2008. I changed. I decided that right then, at that moment I would not overeat anymore. I made a list of foods I would never, ever eat again. An thus far, I have stuck to it. Don't get me wrong; it was not easy. I am a weak person. I have no will power. I simply had to say that these foods were simply off my radar. I began to eat more for sustenance than for pleasure and I began to exercise.

Now don't laugh at me, I actually enjoy exercise. I get up at 4:30 in the morning and I go to the gym. I have, in my lifetime, had at least 4 gym memberships. It was like a collection. One that you pay a lot of money for, put on a shelf, and keep in mint condition by NEVER, EVER using it. I have also had more than my fair share of exercise equipment. I used them more to collect dust and use as a free standing closet than to exercise on. I have also been on every diet ever created. But I am the type of person that expects immediate results. If I do one sit up; by all rights I should have lost at least five pounds. If I eat a carrot instead of an entire cheesecake, that should cause me to lose at least 10 pounds. But for whatever reason my body would not let go of the weight. So I gave up, time after time. What could I do, my body wanted to be heavy.

Then I discovered exercise. I really enjoyed it. I am not sure if it was the exercise, the hard work and sense of accomplishment, or it was simply the time away from my demanding life. But I am an addict. I can't stay away more than two days before my body craves going to the gym. Like I said, don't laugh at me.

Something amazing began to happen. I was HAPPY. I was full of energy, I was full of life, I felt like I was a teenager again!! I really began to see how lost I had really been. The difference in my head was amazing. I was finding myself again. I began to take interest in things I hadn't thought about in years. I enrolled in school and I began living again.

The gravy is that I lost. I lost most of the weight. Over 100 lbs are lost, and those I hope never to find again. I have said from the beginning that the weight loss was a benefit to feeling this good about myself and my life.

NO REGRETS. I could wine and say, I am so mad that I stayed in a rut for 10 years. I damaged and wrecked the body that God gave me. I gave up the opportunity to gain my education when I was young. I robbed my children and my husband of my complete self. But I don't really regret anything. Everything that happens; happens for a reason. If I had not been so sad, I couldn't really understand how lucky I am to be this happy now. I would be taking my life and my health for granted.

I fight my monster every day. This journey isn't an easy one and it really has no end in sight. If I weighed 50 pounds I would still have an eating problem. I will never be able to have a piece of pie or a doughnut, but none of those things taste as good as I feel. People often ask me what my goal is, or what I did to lose the weight. To that I say, my goal is to be happy and I lost the weight simply by not eating everything in the world and exercising. (and trust me, if I were superman I wouldn't have been able to turn back time, because I wouldn't have been able to keep myself from eating the planet.)

I am living proof that even if you don't eat cake on your birthday, you will still wake up the next day very much alive.